Monday, March 24

Perpetually MIA in Life

Mr. Blog! Hello again! It has been some time since I last visited with you. Life has been difficult lately. My step father passed away recently and I have been sort of "off" feeling when it comes to being social and interacting with anything. I just recently started back up on Facebook and going out of the house, which has sort of been rather reluctant in it's own. I cannot lie, I feel my life outlook is a bit jaded. I have been watching from a distance how ugly people can be when someone dies in a variety of instances right now. The things I have observed have been ugly and depressing.

I haven't seen some friends in quite a while, and that makes me sad. And others are just using me up for their own selfish needs. Just remember, Mr. Blog, that if you only call on your friend when you need something then eventually your buddy is going to catch on and realize the true dynamic of your relationship. And that is a rather shitty feeling, when someone comes to the realization. My emotional spectrum has run the gamut from sad and crying all the way over to straight furious. I still am unsure how I am going to deal with what I feel like is me and my own being taken advantage of at this time.

But I have also made quite a few new friends as well, so positive thoughts ahead for new friendships! I really do not care to be negative despite my constant urges to dwell on the more dismal pieces recently. So going out and having people to hang with that I can be myself around and not have to "take care of" has made me feel much better as of late.

Back to my stepdad. William Lee Marshall, who we called Bill Lee, was an amazing guy. Not in some ideal fatherly figure manner or anything. He was far from the "father" role in my life. In fact, we spent a great deal of the time giving dirty looks and being total jerks back and forth for the first decade I knew him. He was the new dude that was wild and free and dating my mother. And I was the brat that my hot mom had to tote around despite his wants. We surely were destined to see eye to eye during my teen years, right? I will admit to my fair share of evil step daughter shenanigans, some provoked and some were not. But after time had mellowed the wild man and the whiny brat grew into a woman I really began enjoying my time with Bill Lee. He was a very thought filled man who enjoyed reflecting within himself for deeper meanings in life and always was trying to spiritually grow beyond what he was at the time. Oh, he knew he was not perfect. In fact, I don't think he was ever striving for such an impossible thing. He was only trying to do the best he could with the life he had. He was not the wild man I remembered as a child, but he never lost that fiery depth that was wild and out of control in his younger years. Some days he was passionate about topics we would discuss, other days he was agitated and argumentative with my mother. It may had upset me to see them argue as a kid but now that I am an adult I could understand the fighting better, mostly laughing at them when it would develop into such exchanges in later years. Lots of laughing, actually.

I am also heartbroken for my mother. She is not one to share her deep, sentimental side to anyone really. She likes to be the tough one. But I would be a stupid, insensitive person to not be able to understand at least a small part of her loss in this. I could never imagine my life without the Captain. They were the constant in each others lives, more than any other. Now he has left her and I can do nothing to ease that for her. I love my mother dearly and fiercely and passionately. If there was ever anything I could do to erase this pain from her life, I would. I know that sounds silly, sort of how a child would think. For children think that life can exist without pain and suffering. They do not understand it. I understand that when those two brought their life together that inevitably this would happen, one would loose the other, but I cannot help but to feel that childlike love for my mother and her broken heart. I will always be her child.

I got to help my mother with taking care of Bill Lee in his final weeks before he passed. He was at home, with her, where he wanted to be more than anywhere else. I tried my very best to put off everything else in life to give them all the time I could as selflessly as possible. I am not perfect and could not spend every waking moment with him, like I wanted to, but I think I did my best by him. He took his last breath on December 23rd in the company of my mother and I while we were taking care of him. She gave him everything he wanted and had asked for, despite what other people had said or done. Her goals were always what he had asked from her and I hope that he was at peace for those last few weeks.

I cannot think of a time that someone's passing has upset me so much except for when my Granny died. I even cut my mother's hair crooked a few weeks ago being all out of sorts. I haven't been crafting or really doing anything creative, and I do not really care for this feeling accompanying the lack of artistic output. I feel heavy in the heart and burdened from not being able to creatively pour out this energy. Fingers crossed, Bloggy-pooh, that I will be able to get back into some sort of groove.

The vernal equinox has come and passed and I am in fact feeling some relief from this. Spring time is my season. Not for the warm weather or the fleeting of winter, but because the rain will be coming soon. Rain makes me so happy. Rain and thunder. Most people are always so, "Ohh" and "Ahh" over the lightning but I want the boom, Mr. Blog. I love the way the air cracks and one can feel the sound make the earth shake.

Please, rain, come soon and lift my soul.


  1. Sometimes, the air is most breathable after it rains. *Hugs* I hope for beautiful things to bloom in your life.

    1. Thanks. I know things will be on the up and up sooner or later. <3